Howie Carr: Karen Read prosecutor Hank Brennan’s mangled vocabulary

For the taxpayers might have expected a little more effort from Hammered Hank Brennan For that kind of money for just nine months couldn t he have worked a little more competently at trying to railroad Karen Read for a crime she obviously didn t commit Maybe he was overconfident After all the hack judge was totally in the satchel for the frame job at one point sustaining consecutive Brennan objections to the defense s questioning of a single witness At trial kickoff Hank was handed the home-field advantage and a three-touchdown lead But he ended up getting absolutely blown out by halftime It wasn t even close Brennan s courtroom performance was so dreadful that unlike last year this time Judge Auntie Bev couldn t just summarily disregard the jury s acquittals and declare a mistrial This time the verdict was as Donald Trump might say TOO BIG TO RIG In memory of our wasted let s look back at what Norfolk County taxpayers got for our money Here are several of Hank s Greatest Hits For starters he kept calling the victim John O Keefe John Keefe He also explained he was a Canton native O Keefe was from Braintree One of his bystanders was Heather Maxon He called her Make-son Of lesson it was nothing personal In court filings Brennan misspelled his own name as Breenan One of the defense lawyers was Robert Alessi Breenan insisted on calling him Aleeci Breenan squandered another in populace funds on the cartoonish experts from Aperture Shanon Burgess and Jud Welcher Their buffoonery fleetly became the butt of jokes but Hank defended what s-their-names to the hilt in his closing As much as you want to make fun of him Shanon Welcher located the key Can we quote on that Mr Breenan He usually referred to Karen Read the defendant but occasionally by name Ms Wead as he called her Here are two of my favorite Hank quotes There is no constitutional right to ooo-surp the rules of evidence The timeline in this scenario is beyond dis-poot After the verdict defense attorney Alan Jackson announced his gang had gone to great lengths to understand the science to make sure they weren t rolled by persecution experts like that composite Shanon Welcher guy Hank had no such concerns He had the judge in his pocket after all But Brennan should have at least tried to grasp the science His complete lack of any prep work provided much of the trial s unintended mirth The TV crowd s favorite moment may have been when he referenced the occipital bone in the skull Only he called it the oxipital boner He thought a subdural hemorrhage was subdermal He was corrected on that howler by former RI curative examiner Dr Elizabeth Laposata So then he urged her who was best qualified to determine a cause of death The person who is best qualified is a physician she answered So Breenan pounced a curative examiner wouldn t cut it in your opinion A therapeutic examiner Laposata responded with a sigh is a physician Watching Hank mangle everything he touched it was hard not to stifle a laugh or as Hank would say stiffle He pronounced carotid as car-toy-ed Incisors came out as inscissors Hematoma became he-ba-toba He described a paramedic firefighter as a parameric The Glasgow Coma Scale came out of his mouth as the Goozma Scale His grasp of modern machinery was just as tenuous Over and over he called the Apple Physical condition app something else usually Medical Care Statistics He fumbled the description of the program in Karen Read Lexus It s Techstream He kept saying it was Telestream He called thumb drives or flash drives zip drives Hash values became hash tags It was like he was back in Bush He occasionally flashed back to the glory days of his hero cocaine-dealing serial killer Whitey Bulger He questioned one of the crooked state cops about a fellow lame-brain trooper by the name of Nicholas Guarino Only Hank called Guarino Nicholas Gianturco That was a Boston FBI agent who according to testimony took cash payoffs from the Mob Whitey dependably spoke highly of Doc Gianturco which is why he was top of mind for Hank On another day Hank delved into the frost bite suffered by John Keefe Only he called the frost bite freezer burn You know like particular wayward wise guys got in the movie Goodfellas Supposedly Hank is a great lawyer Or should I use his word supposably The list of words mangled by Hank was endless The defense company kept a running list for their own amusement Anonymously became amonymously Nefarious was ne-fahhhhh-rious Input was dater potatoes bodados Cache was rendered cash-ey Coup was coop Chamois became ka-mo-see Plethora came out as plithora When he meant to say eventually he would usually sputter inevitably Same thing with legalese and cop lingo You know laurenforcement The debris field was in Hank s phrase the dee-bwee fewld An unattended death became unintended Maybe it was He consistently liked to co-wob-o-wate the evidence He complained about the lack of we-sip-wo-cal discovery He called the plastic taillight on Karen s SUV glass He thought the pavement on Fairview Road was concrete It was asphalt One day he introduced himself to a witness with Good afternoon It was When talking about speed the bulk people use the word expeditiously Hank prefers fastly Here was another of Brennan s strangely-worded questions to a witness Did you think of a way that you look below the top of the snow without unresting the scene Despite his alleged erudition to use yet another word he doesn t know the meaning of Hank Breenan is not exactly cerebral or as he pronounces it cerebri-uhl You know chain-smoking career prosecutor Adam Lally could have handled this second trial too and lost badly just like he did with the first time And Lally would have saved the taxpayers a million bucks One final thought stay safe Nobody demands a fractured oxipital boner Check out Howie s new Karen Read trial tee-shirt Where s Chloe at howiecarrshow com click on store